Drama on the Mount
by BlackOrchid918
Summary: My take on what life really must have been like for the most dysfunctional family of all...the Olympians.
1. Chapter 1

**Drama on the Mount**

_Chapter 1_

_Hera's Strike_

Hera stood alone in the white marble and gold halls of Olympus, poised

for a confrontation with her no-good husband, this was the fifth decade

he'd missed her birthday dinner and she was pissed. Just because he was

the ruler of Olympus didn't give him the right to go traipsing around

with every Pandora, Cyane and Megara that came his way.

Just then, Zeus walked in, interrupting Hera's festering thoughts of

resentment for the moment. "Hi honey, I'm home " said the King of the

Gods, blissful and ignorant. "My you look beautiful today, wife." added

Zeus, knowing something was wrong from the look on Hera's face, but not

quite sure what it was. Hera simply stood there unmoved, raised an

eyebrow incredulously and proceeded to flip her long, thick black locks

back with a gold-adorned hand before asking, "Where were you, Zeus?"in a

tone befitting her title as Queen of Olympus.

"Oh no, not this again," Zeus quietly whispered under his breath as he

tried to nonchalantly change the subject, "Hey I'm kinda hungry

babe...wanna make me a sandwich?"

Hera's regal grey eyes twitched as she responded, "No...I do not want to

make you a sandwich...babe. I want to know where you were. It was my

birthday yesterday and as usual you missed dinner with the family

despite the fact that I explicitly asked you not to."

"Is that what you're so pissy about? Jeez Hera, we're immortal," as Zeus

said this he laughed a little at how serious she was making this whole

thing, "What's one birthday?"

"It's not just one birthday, Zeus. It's you never being there as my

husband, never being there as the children's father, it's you lying in

filth with anything that moves...and sometimes even with things that

don't " admonished Hera, now livid at his blasé attitude.

Zeus had a goofy smirk plastered on his face as he thought about the

latest time he'd lain in filth... yesterday.

"Are you listening to me? " Hera's voice echoed and made the ground

shake a little.

"Ow...keep it down dear, I hear you," Zeus responded, "I don't want to,

but I do." he mumbled under his breath.

Unfortunately, Hera had heard this last part, she was of course a

Goddess and as such had excellent hearing.

"WHAT? Oh that's right, turn this around into a joke...that's all this

is to you, isn't it?" Hera asked, fully aware of the answer.

"So dear...how are the kids?" Zeus again tried to change the subject, as

he walked towards the kitchen.

Hera saw now that he wouldn't listen to words, so she closed her eyes

and summoned a powerful gust of wind which sent Zeus flying backwards

onto the ground, his head lying on the marble floor right next to Hera's

golden high-heeled sandals.

She knelt down and looked Zeus in the eyes, then said, "You can't get

away from me that easily dear. Do you really want to know how the

children are? Fine. I'll tell you. Ares is bullying Hermes who's still a

chronic bed-wetter, Athena's anti-social, Aphrodite's got crabs,

Hephaestus is still playing with fire, Hekate's cutting herself again,

Apollo and Artemis are both gay and Dionysus won't stay in rehab for

longer than a day."

"The twins are gay? Really?" Zeus, still on the floor, asked incredulously.

"Zeus...you're missing the point here entirely. I'm sick of supporting

this family by myself without your help...so I'm going on strike."

"Uh...strike?" asked Zeus, as if he didn't know what she meant.

"Yes, Zeus, a strike. I'm going to stay with my sister Demeter, Goddess

of the Harvest, she's in town for the 'Goodness Gracious Great Gourds of

Fire Festival' in Thrace. And I'm telling you right now Zeus, I'm not

coming back until you straighten up your act "

With this, Hera turned, her purple silk robe flowing behind her like a

wave as she went out to the terrace and boarded her gold chariot.

Zeus got up and could hear Iris her driver ask, "Ready Ms. Hera?"

"Yes, Iris," responded Hera.

Zeus attempted to get a glimpse of her through the window, but she

looked away as Iris whipped the peacocks pulling the chariot into action

and they flew away into the clouds.

He couldn't believe it, she was actually going through with this. In all

the millennia that they'd been married, Hera had threatened to walk out

on him literally thousands of times, but she'd never actually gone

through with it. Usually his humor and goofy smile were enough to charm

her into staying and forgetting about whatever nasty mess Zeus had

gotten himself into. But not this time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Drama on the Mount**

_Chapter 2_

_Domestic Dad_

"Oh Crap." Zeus thought, "My wife just left me."

He didn't quite know what to do, so he just stood there in the corridor

before finally walking down to the living room. It didn't take long

before he had company in the form of Dionysus, resident crackhead and

"recovering" alcoholic of the Olympian Gods.

"Ugh. I have such a hangover. Last night's -HIC- rave was so intense!

Hey Dad, haven't seen you in like a century, s'up?"

Zeus just asked, "Huh?"

He wasn't hip to his children's newfangled lingo or to Dionysus' slurred

drunken speech, so when they went hand-in-hand together, he was

completely baffled.

"Where's ma? -HIC- She always knows how to get rid of my hangovers...so

far I've just been chasing it down with more booze, but it doesn't seem

to be working so -HIC- well."

"Your mother's gone off to visit her sister for a little while." Zeus

answered.

Just then, Athena walked in and asked, "Oh no, Mother's gone? What did

you do?"

"Uh...nothing." Zeus managed unconvincingly.

"Ah, that's right, you weren't at her birthday dinner yesterday. Typical."

As the Goddess of wisdom, Athena was known for her quick wit and quick

tongue. There was little that escaped her.

"She was pissed, Pa. You should've seen her. Heh, it was great!" added

Ares, the uncouth God of war, in between sloppy bites of the turkey leg

in his hand as he entered the living room.

"You are so vulgar. She wasn't 'pissed,' she was angry and rightfully

so, may I add." retorted Athena.

"Psh, same difference, snob." Ares replied as he continued to gnaw on

his turkey leg.

"Well...either way, children. I'm going to be in charge until your

mother's return."

His teenage children just looked at him in silence with looks of

disbelief plastered on their faces.

"Ah, already they're respecting my authority...this might not be as hard

as Hera always makes it out to be." Zeus thought to himself.

At that moment, Ares belched and Dionysus tried getting up to walk, but

instead dropped right in front of Zeus' feet. Zeus' eyes followed him as

he collapsed while Athena merely furrowed her brow in disdain.

"Yeah...this'll be a piece of cake." Zeus again thought.

Just then, he heard a pounding coming from down the hall. He walked down

to investigate and heard two shouting voices.

"Get out! You've been in there for eons!"

"Cha, as if! It's not easy being beautiful...not that you would know."

Zeus drew closer and realized it was yet another one of his children.

"AAARGH!!!! Open up NOW!" bellowed Artemis.

"Make me, you hairy-legged hippie!" whined back Aphrodite.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is going on here?" asked Zeus.

"Aphrodite won't let me use the bathroom and she's been in there

forever," replied Artemis.

"It's not my fault, daddy, I'm the Goddess of Beauty and I owe it to the

public to always look my best. Besides...I'm prettier." chimed Aphrodite

from the other side of the bathroom door.

"What does that have to do with anything, you bimbo?" asked Artemis, her

eyes squinting indignantly.

Zeus tried to exert some level of authority before another shouting

match ensued, so he did what he thought was best...unfortunately, Zeus'

thinking, as most everything else about him, was flawed.

"Artemis, Aphrodite's right, she's prettier than you...go use the

bathroom in the cellar."

"Wh–what?!" managed the stymied Artemis.

"Yay!" Aphrodite squeaked.

"That isn't fair! Also, I can't use the cellar bathroom...Hekate's down

there...and she creeps me out!"

"Why's that?" asked Zeus.

"Dad, don't you know anything about your kids? She's...she's." stammered

Artemis.

"What?"

"Emo," responded Artemis in an overly dramatized voice.

"Emo? What is that...is that something to do with drugs?" Zeus inquired,

clueless as ever.

"Dad no! It's worse! It means she just holes herself up in the bathroom

all day reading her little witchy books, looking generally discontent

with the world and cutting herself," informed Artemis.

"I wish you'd cut yourself!" chimed Aphrodite once again from behind the

bathroom door.

"Yeah say that to my face, slut puppy!"

"I guess I'd better go check on her then," Zeus said, trying to look

paternal in front of his children.

"But Dad, where will I go to the bathroom?" asked Artemis again.

"Oh...uh," Zeus snapped his fingers and Aphrodite instantly appeared in

a flash of lightning, with a pink towel on and rollers in her hair.

"Dad! Why'd you do that?!" protested Aphrodite.

"Just let him go, he is your brother."

"Dad, I'm a girl!" exclaimed Artemis.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Ugh!" Aphrodite complained as Artemis shut the bathroom door and Zeus

walked downstairs.

"Ew, there's crabs on this toilet seat!" shrieked Artemis from behind

the bathroom door.

Aphrodite smirked, then looked up at the ceiling and whistled,

pretending not to know how they got there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Drama on the Mount**

_Chapter 3_

_Felines, Fireballs & Facial Treatments_

Downstairs, Zeus walked down the long, torch-lit hallway and knocked on the cobblestone bathroom door.

"Uh, Hekate? You, uh...you open up in there!" Zeus attempted to sound authoritative.

"Why bother?" came the disinterested response from behind the door.

"Hekate, are you cutting yourself?" Zeus asked.

"...Yes," came Hekate's response after a brief pause.

"Well, er...stop that!" Zeus then sighed and in a flash of lightning appeared in the bathroom with Hekate.

She sat on the edge of the black marble bathtub, garbed in black, with her long, straight raven tresses strewn over half of her face, contrasting sharply with her porcelain skin. Zeus walked over to her, his long white toga trailing behind him. He sat down next to her on the edge of the bathtub.

"Now, why are you doing that?" Zeus asked as Hekate dragged a silver ritual dagger against her forearm, causing a crimson line of blood to appear and then vanish as her wound automatically closed itself.

"To kill the pain," Hekate responded in her usual emotionless tone.

"Hoo boy," responded Zeus as he rolled his eyes.

"Hekate," he continued in a somber voice, "are you doing drugs?"

Hekate merely looked over at him and stared indifferently.

"Hekate, how many times have you been told? Dayquil and Nyquil do not make 'Afternoonquil!' "

Hekate ignored him and resumed slicing her arm open and watching as it healed itself closed again.

"Oh Hekate, can't you try to be somewhat less...creepy? It doesn't look good for the family," Zeus advised.

"Neither did you boinking that goat behind Mom's back the other day in the shed," Hekate retorted sharply.

"Uh...well, that's neither here nor there," Zeus replied nervously, at a loss for words.

"Dad...do you have anything significant to say to me?" Hekate asked glacially.

"Um...buck up kiddo?!" he said with a goofy smile on his face as he playfully punched her shoulder and chuckled a little.

Hekate just stared ruefully at him, unimpressed.

"No, I guess not," he continued, clearly defeated.

As he turned to walk away though, he heard the sound of animals growling nearby. Zeus turned to look and saw a group of about five or six unusually large black cats locked in a vicious struggle over some unseen object in the corner of the room. Curious, he walked over to take a closer look.

"Uh, Hekate? What are those things?" he asked intently.

"My cats," responded Hekate matter-of-factly.

Zeus' eyes widened as he noticed that they were voraciously chomping on what appeared to be the remains of a human skull.

"WHAT IS THAT? " he exclaimed.

"Cat food."

"It looks like...a mortal's head. Hekate are you feeding mortals to your cats?"

Hekate merely stared at him silently.

"Do they eat that all the time? "

"Only when they're hungry."

"But why...that...of all things?!" Zeus demanded.

"They're picky eaters," Hekate answered monotonously.

As the group of hellcats picked the skull clean they all looked at Zeus in unison and proceeded to slink towards him silently.

As they gathered around him, they began to flick their tongues lightly on his exposed shins.

"Ok. I'm uh...gonna go now," Zeus declared nervously as he quickly made his way out of there.

Feeling like a failure as the head of his household and realizing he had more trouble communicating with his kids than he'd first thought, Zeus went to his study to smoke his pipe. As he walked in, however, he found Hephaestus holding his lighter in one hand and an aerosol spray can in the other.

"Hephaestus, put that down!" Zeus commanded.

Startled at the sound of Zeus' voice, Hephaestus jumped and inadvertently pushed the button on top of the aerosol can down, sending a huge fireball flying at Zeus' face and instantly singing both his eyebrows off.

"DAMMIT!" Zeus screamed.

Hephaestus just sat there, with a glazed look on his face as he stated in a low quiet voice, "Awesome."

"What is wrong with you?" asked Zeus, exasperated as he felt around for his eyebrows.

Hephaestus was the God of the forge and arguably Zeus' most cantankerous son. He was fascinated by fire and this had resulted in the burning down and consequent rebuilding of Olympus numerous times over the millennia.

Aphrodite, by now, had finished primping and had spotted her father walking out of his study, sans eyebrows.

"Oh Daddy, what happened to your eyebrows?" shrieked the platinum-haired princess of Olympus.

"Not now," Zeus said succinctly, trying desperately to avert another episode with one of his screwy kids.

"Daddy, I was just trying to help you out, I mean jeez...you didn't have to yell at me."

"Oh no," Zeus thought as he recognized the look of forthcoming hysterics in his daughter's reddening face.

As Goddess of everything related to emotions, Aphrodite herself had the tendency to get very emotional over the tiniest things.

"Uh pumpkin? Daddy didn't mean it...he was, uh, joking."

An outburst from Aphrodite right now was the last thing he needed but he'd reached the point of no return and any attempts to pacify her now would prove fruitless. Zeus knew it, he'd seen her pull this before. Usually, however, it was with Hera. What he'd give to see her right now!

"Well it didn't sound like a joke Daddy, and if you're trying to tell me that just because you think it's what I want to hear, then I really have to tell you that I think it's an assault to my intelligence and I don't like having my intelligence assaulted. So Daddy, is that what you're doing? Assaulting my intelligence? Is it?!" Aphrodite asked, finally coming up for air.

"No dear, of course I'm not. That's clearly taken too much abuse already," Zeus said to himself quietly as he hugged Aphrodite who by now was crying uncontrollably.

Zeus quickly grew tired of this and grabbed Aphrodite by the shoulders.

"I'm sorry sweetie, Daddy wasn't thinking," Zeus attempted to explain.

After having been beyond consolation just a moment ago, Aphrodite now looked up at her father and flashed a smile at him, seemingly all better after Zeus' apology.

"Oh Daddy, it's okay...I know what that's like, not thinking and all," Aphrodite responded.

"I'm sure you do dear," Zeus muttered as he again hugged his daughter and patted her on the back.

"Well, hee-hee, I forgive you Daddy! But...if you want to make me really happy, you'll let me..."

"Yes?" Zeus asked, curious.

Aphrodite merely smiled and twirled one of her golden curls around in her finger.

Now Zeus knew his daughter was kind of slow, but he was wondering why she was dragging this out so much.

"Must be something big, but I may as well try to please one of them," thought Zeus to himself, as he did what he knew he probably shouldn't.

"Go ahead dear, ask me anything you want."

"Yay! I'm going to give you a makeover and fix those eyebrows," beamed Aphrodite.

"Oh no," Zeus said nervously as his eyes widened in fear.

"But you just said anything!" reminded Aphrodite, looking like she might start crying a second time.

"Goddamn," Zeus muttered as he resigned himself to his fate.

"Prepare to be beautified by the Goddess of Beauty!" exclaimed Aphrodite gleefully.

"Ahem," chimed in Apollo, as he walked in behind Aphrodite, dressed in a gold lamé knee-length mini-toga accented with gold sequins. A golden laurel matched his expertly-coiffed curls perfectly.

"Oh, and by her amazing assistant, Apollo!" Aphrodite cheerfully announced.

She then took Zeus by the hand and the three Gods walked to her chamber. Once there, Zeus couldn't help but realize that he'd never before seen so much pink in one place.

He was terrified.

Aphrodite snapped her fingers and some upbeat 80's pop music started playing.

"Oh my gawd! I love this song!" exclaimed Apollo as he started dancing in place.

"Me too! It's like my favorite!" seconded Aphrodite.

Zeus merely furrowed his brow nervously.

Aphrodite then lightly clapped her hands twice and in a flurry of pink sparks, a pink heart-shaped chair appeared directly behind Zeus. Aphrodite and Apollo each gripped one of his shoulders and together forced him to sit down. As soon as Zeus hit the chair, thick gold chains jumped out of the armrests and legs of the chair, wrapping around Zeus' wrists and ankles, each chain topped by a large pink heart-shaped lock.

"What the?!" Zeus shouted.

"Now Daddy, don't get all worked up! It's just a security measure, you know, so you can't like...escape, tee-hee!" Aphrodite said in a disturbingly cheerful voice.

She then turned to face Apollo, "What do you think?" she asked, still beaming vacantly ahead.

"Should we give him the works?"

"Oh definitely," Apollo answered in a grave tone while still smiling just as vacantly as Aphrodite.

"Um, what is 'the works?' " asked Zeus timidly

"Oh Daddy, hee-hee, shut up," answered Aphrodite in the same disturbingly cheerful voice as she summoned a pair of pink scissors in one hand and a pink heart-shaped cosmetics case in the other.

"Amazing assistant?" asked Aphrodite as she faced Apollo.

"Ready, willing and fabulous!" answered Apollo as he rallied behind Aphrodite.

"Good. Operation: Doll Up Daddy, GO!" Aphrodite exclaimed as Zeus sat restrained in the pink heart-chair silently awaiting his fate.

A few hours later, Zeus emerged, sporting a platinum blonde bob-hairstyle, pink lipgloss, a short zebra-print toga, a matching beret, platform sandals and copious amounts of body glitter.

Zeus was now at his wit's end, which was odd considering his usually easy-going nature. But being emasculated by one daughter, nearly eaten by the another's man-eating cats, having his wife walk out on him and his son singe his eyebrows off his face coupled with a general feeling of inadequacy had finally served to send him over the edge. Zeus sat in his study, head in his hands with one hell of a migraine. "Clearly," he thought to himself, "running the household single-handedly was not as simple a task as I thought it was. Oh Hera...please come back."


End file.
